DOGE Uncovers $312M in Loans to Children Amid Pandemic Chaos

The Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) dropped a bombshell over the weekend, announcing the termination of multiple federal contracts and revealing a jaw-dropping case of financial mismanagement. Among the revelations? The Small Business Association (SBA) reportedly handed out $312 million in loans to kids—yes, actual children—during the COVID-19 pandemic.

In its ongoing crusade against waste, fraud, and corruption, the Elon Musk-led agency uncovered that nearly 5,600 loans were granted to borrowers listed as 11 years old or younger. The loans, distributed between 2020 and 2021, were flagged due to discrepancies like incorrect Social Security numbers. DOGE clarified that while it's technically possible for minors to have legal business arrangements, these cases were highly suspect.

"@DOGE and @SBAgov are working together to solve this problem this week," the agency tweeted, signaling a swift effort to clean up the mess.

If that wasn’t wild enough, DOGE also revealed another eyebrow-raising fact: during the same period, the SBA issued over 3,000 loans totaling $333 million to individuals allegedly older than 115 years. In one baffling example, a 157-year-old recipient pocketed $36,000. Either we’ve discovered the secret to immortality, or someone’s been playing fast and loose with government funds.

Former President Donald Trump seized the opportunity during a recent Congressional address to slam these absurd cases of fraud. He humorously noted, "I know some people who are rather elderly but not quite that elderly," before rattling off statistics about millions of centenarians inexplicably listed in the Social Security database.

In another twist, DOGE canceled a $10.3 million Department of Agriculture contract that was ironically meant to "identify unnecessary contracts." This was just one of 162 nonessential projects terminated, saving taxpayers an estimated $90 million. However, DOGE didn’t provide specifics on where the remaining cuts were made.

Meanwhile, Elon Musk, never one to shy away from bold statements, met with House Republicans to discuss uncovering up to $1 trillion in government waste. According to sources, Musk acknowledged the potential for errors but emphasized the importance of quick corrections. "The executive DOGE team is confident," one lawmaker noted. "They think they can get $1 trillion." Ambitious? Definitely. But hey, if anyone can pull it off, it’s probably Musk.

While this saga of misplaced loans and dubious contracts unfolds, one thing is clear: DOGE’s mission to clean up the federal government isn’t just about trimming fat—it’s about gutting the absurdities that have bled taxpayers dry for far too long.